Sunday, November 27, 2011

Almost a whole month already?

I didn't mean to take three weeks away from my blog, but things haven't been going as smoothly as I hoped. Nothing is wrong with me or the baby physically. Mommy is just having a hard time adjusting to all this brand new mommy stuff. I don't like to complain about it because people just come back at you with "well, when I was pregnant, I did/gained such and such". I'm sure they're trying to be helpful, but at this point I'm just ready to start the next phase. It's hard to think sometimes that these raging kicks I feel in my stomach are from a tiny girl I'll be holding in about three months. Even though I'm getting excited, I'm still deathly afraid of having to be her mother.

Weight is one thing that is a major issue for me. I realize everyone wants to punch me in the face when I complain about how big I've gotten, but it's just one of those things that is going to be difficult to me. Jumping about 10 pounds at my last two doctor visits wasn't really encouraging like I guess it should have been. I've never passed 100 pounds in my life, so it's hard to look at the scale and see these big numbers and feel the pressure to lose it after Zooey finally comes. I don't like having to pack away clothes and eat with my jeans unbuttoned or have to change into sweat pants to be comfortable. I miss my flat stomach and cute clothes and 90 pounds. I miss not having to wear maternity tops that make me look like a puffed up balloon. I literally had a major breakdown before we went out with some friends Wednesday night because I wanted to wear a tee shirt (it was a little too tight) and Daniel wanted me to wear a maternity top instead. I'm sure it had a lot to do with my hormones being off kilter but some of it was just me wanting to me normal around normal people. (Of course, when you're pregnant and in a bar, nothing is normal.)

I'm also dealing with extreme amounts of guilt. I'm sure most of you realize the announcement of our little girl was very much a shock. We had plans. We were planning our move to Asheville where Daniel would go to school and pursue his major while I worked to support us for a while. Only after school (and lots of travelling) would we think about kids. So mommy-dom wasn't a looming thing; it was 5 or so years down the road. We planned originally to get married next year, but we had to push things up and tie the knot this October with minimal planning and a very minimal guest list. I feel like it's my fault that Daniel can't go out and do what he wants anymore, that he's stuck here with his big pregnant wife while his friends are taking trips and going out to bars and generally enjoying their 20s. This probably sounds ridiculous to 95% of you, but maybe there are a few out there that have felt the same.

It just gets hard to act excited when your emotions are being all crazy on the other end of the scale.

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